All It Took Was A Step Outside.

I was driving home after a long, busy day that turned into a busy night.
The sun had set a while back, it was calm. Cloudless. Skies as clear as I had seen in a long time.
I was talking to God about anything running through my brain, anything that was weighing on me that day. Honestly, I don't remember. But, I do remember that the sky was beautiful. I could see so many stars, and I was staring up at the sky too long to be considered driving wisely, so I pulled over. Headlights off. Nobody there. I just sat there, me, my little car and Jesus, and we talked.

Something in me told me to step outside. I opened my door, and just sat for a while longer, but I still felt like I was supposed to actually step outside. I felt like God wanted me to step outside. So, eventually I did. As soon as both feet were touching the ground, I saw a shooting star in that splatter-painted sky. Like, literally, as soon as my right foot stepped out of my car and onto the asphalt, the shooting star blazed by.

The thing to say about this is that God uses moments like these to teach me a lot about Him, about me, about life. And in that moment, the moment that I finally got out and did what He asked of me, stepping outside with both feet planted onto solid ground, something marvelous happened.

Maybe we forget that God could have made the world incredibly boring. Maybe we don't realize that the stars, the ocean, the trees, flowers, color, sight, sound,.. None of it needed to exist. But He created it all anyways, just for us. He knew we'd love smelling the roses. Music. Dancing. Swimming. Climbing. Surfing. Stargazing. And I think these things can give us glimpses of His character.

So with this, with my two awkward feet on the road and my tired body leaning up against the dusty car, God showed me how easily I can be swayed to take life as a bystander. I sit in my car so often and think that the view is fine, reluctant to get out of the comfy seat with the comfy A/C and the good music playing out my stereo, but then He asks me to pull over, turn the car off, open my door and engage, let myself be swallowed up in the majesty of the universe, all because He wants to show Me how great He is again, and He wants to tell me He loves me again. I forget how great He is so easily, in big moments and little ones, because I settle for the "good enough" view when He wants to give me the best one.

Maybe this post makes sense and maybe it doesn't. But as for that night, I'm glad God didn't stop asking me to get out of the car. He wants to bless us in the little ways and in the big ones; did you know that? Maybe it's not the miracles we label as miracles, but maybe it's in moments like this one, where He makes Himself known by actually talking to us and reminds us of the beautiful world He made, all for us.

That night, I was reminded of how small I am, and how big my Father is, how much He loves me, and how good His plans are, and all it took was a step outside.

I like flowers and I like taking pictures of them. I like this flower because I think the way flowers age is mighty beautiful. And this one, this one stood out to me. Honestly, I think this flower is a lot more tangible with its petals curled, with the edges brown, there's life that's been lived.

Maybe there's something to learn from the flowers, maybe there's beauty in the life that we live and in showing our frayed edges like our hearts on our sleeves. 

I don't think that we're made to be fake flowers. I don't think our destiny is immutability.

I think there's beauty in the way our petals curl and blessings sprouting from letting the mess show.

Writer's Block Breakdown.

I've been facing writers' block as tall and wide and intimidating as the Great Wall, or Niagara Falls, or maybe even Everest. I've sat down staring at a blank note more times than I wish to count, having words race to and fro and yet finding no way to make them all sound the way I hope they would.

So I'm going to try something different. Instead of forcing quips and quotable wordplays into simple rhythm and clever rhymes, I'm going to let it go. That's what I'm turning this blog into — this is going to be my place to post revelations and thought processes, new ideas and old ones I'm taking off the shelf and wiping clean. This is the place of introspection and curiosity, of wonder and concern and love and life and adventure.

This is what my blog is going to be from this point on.

Thanks for reading.

God has been showing me how to be completely alive.

It's all coming down to the last bit of lecture phase, and my mind is blown by how quickly it's all gone.  Time seems less like a line these days and more like a knotted ball of string, where the things that happened yesterday feel like forever ago, and a few weeks ago feels like it was just this morning.  It's the same with my family here; I feel like I've known them for years, but it's only been two and a half months.  But still, back to the update.  The past few weeks have been pretty spectacular.

In Week 8, the topic was the Holy Spirit. One thing that God really highlighted to us was that we are not meant to live for ourselves.  Our speaker elaborated and said that because we are made in God's image, and God is love, we are made to look like love.  We are made to love really, really well, and true love is selfless, always looking out for the good of others.  If we lived out perfect love and perfect fellowship, everyone would be looking after everyone else, people would be encouraging and coming alongside one another, and no one would even need to worry about themselves.  We'd be able to trust that others are watching out for us, so we can be totally invested in looking after others.  That's God's kingdom lived out.  We also read this quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson.

God created us to be brilliant rays of light, and the Holy Spirit wants to partner with us to bring God's kingdom here, a kingdom of kindness, joy, peace, encouragement, fellowship, honesty,.. A kingdom of light.  God can do such bright and beautiful things through us if we're willing to say an all-encompassing 'yes' to the plans He has for us.  That may be scary, but it's really worth it.

We went exploring!

We went to the zoo!

In Week 9, we talked about Missions.  Now I expected there to be the classic quote "the world is your mission field," and for there to just be general instructions on how to be a missionary.  Luckily, my expectations were far from reality. Our speaker focused on compassion, and how compassion involves an action and it involves unconditional love. We aren't moving out of compassion if we are trying to get something out of it.  Compassion is putting God's unconditional love into action. Compassion is selfless.   Compassion is a way to give people hope.  Pity observes the sufferings of others while compassion gets involved.  Compassion engages our will rather than depending on our emotions.  We learned that a compassionate heart would see everyone through God's eyes, not the stigmas and stereotypes that we so naturally have towards certain groups of people.  God loves everyone, therefore we need to love everyone, not just those we consider to be our friends, or those we think have the capacity to give us something in return, or those who even like us.

One big concept that our speaker highlighted to us was found in 1 John 4:20-21 :

“If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their fellow believers.”

Here was his translation of that passage: “You love Jesus only as much as you love the person you love the least.” Now that hits home, huh? It’s not the easy stuff that shows how much we truly love God, but it’s the hard stuff- the persistent, messy, vulnerable love that puts our entire self on the line and is not based on whether or not we could be rejected.  We keep loving, even when those we’re called to love are both unloving and unlovely.  This realization was a huge turning point for me, needing to make the deliberate choice to love every person the way God does.  It’s cool how God’s grace shines in those places- where I can get selfish and focus so much on me, but God woos me into His heart for people, and helps me grow in my ability to love really well.

We all get really cuddly for movie nights.

And one more from the zoo.

In Week 10, we got to go live on YWAM’s (almost)new ship in Darling Harbour in Sydney.  (The main reason I said almost was that it’s not fully purchased).  It was so fun! It’s crazy to be able to say that I lived on a ship in Sydney, Australia.  I doubt I’ll ever get used to that.  But anyways, the topic of the week was Evangelism.  We talked about how evangelism is not about us, but that our salvation and appreciation for what God did for us should make us want to tell others about it.  Our speaker gave us examples of how we can be creative in evangelism, from painting murals to handing out sandwiches to passing out roses in the middle of a city.  We evangelize so that people would know, understand and experience God, that they would know God’s character and nature, understand God’s significance and what that means for them, and experience tangible aspects of His love.  Near the end of the week, we got the opportunity to go out into Sydney and evangelize in small teams.  That experience reminded me how much I love going out and loving on people.  I’m definitely going to make that something I do more often.  Honestly, it’s not hard to give someone a flower, or pay it forward in a coffee drive-thru line, or even give someone a compliment, and these are all showing God’s love in small ways.  But look at how they can change someone’s day! We need to get that outward focus and love people the way God does, because that’s what we’re called to do.  As for me, I want to get back to loving people like Jesus did.

Here's our family in front of the ship!

Sightseeing in Sydney!

Somehow, we got the best view of the fireworks over the harbour.

In Week 11, we discussed Spiritual Warfare, and how we need to be aware of what both God and the enemy are doing in the world.  Our speaker reminded us of our authority in the spiritual realm that was given to us because we are God’s children, and that we can exercise that authority when spiritual opposition comes our way.  And the thing is, it’s going to come.  We don’t entirely know when, or where, or why, or what it’s going to look like, but the enemy is trying to take us out and we need to stand firm against that.  We discovered that vulnerability in a community, as in, being honest about where we’re at and speaking out our struggles, actually increases our defenses.  God designed us to be in community, to be in relationship with others. Satan wants us to walk in isolation.  We can fall so much faster, so much easier, and take so much longer to get back on track when we’re alone.  Satan wants us derailed.  The wolf wants to separate us from the rest of the flock to take us out that much easier.  As for me, I’m choosing not to give him a foothold in that area.  This YWAM family, this fellowship, is open and safe and we are all fighting alongside one another, fighting to grow and to expand God’s kingdom.

Team time.

The Emerge team at a 70's party!

This week, we learned about relationships.  I think this week is really vital because of outreach, and it’s going to be so helpful to be prepared to fight for our team’s unity in really healthy ways, and to learn how to cultivate healthy relationships.

Speaking of which, this is going to be my last blog update until after outreach.  If you’d like to contact me, my email address is carolineb@ywamwollongong.org . If you’d like to know how to support me in some way, I’d always appreciate prayer.

This experience of lecture phase has been absolutely incredible.  I am not the same person that got off that plane 12 weeks ago, and I am so grateful for that.  This is my YWAM family, and I cannot even begin to express how much I love this beautiful, adventurous life, living in a beautiful place, serving such a beautiful God.

And we're done with the first half of the first half.

Now, I know that I've been really awful about updating my blog. I apologize.  It's been so busy that it's hard to even put all that's been happening into words.

We're just about to begin Week 8.  God has been really working in each and every one of us over the past few weeks.  Week 5 focused on Forgiveness and Repentance. In that week, we learned that "repentance" really means(in a Biblical sense) to turn away from something and turn/realign oneself with God's plan.  We recognized the importance of living lives of repentance-- of constantly seeking to align ourselves with what God has for us, because living fully in Christ is the only way to have life and life abundantly. We also realized the authority we hold in how we forgive, and how it doesn't only free them, but it also frees us from the weight of the things that have happened to us.  The pain can still exist, but in forgiveness, we hand all the pain to God, and He can make mighty beautiful things out of any situation.

At the end of the week, we (all 25 of us- students, staff, and the speaker) sat in one room, and we each had two lists: a list of things we repent from and a list of people we forgive.  We went, one at a time, in front of the whole group, and spoke out every repentance and then every forgiveness.  We were in that room for over 8 hours, breaking chains and building up the fellowship that we've been cultivating here in our school.  It was incredible to see where everyone was at, and to get more context for where they've come from.  Plus, this openness gave us all the ability to be held accountable for the things we had repented from.  It's wonderful seeing how everyone can be totally raw and real, and everyone else just embraces them, fully and completely.  That's the body of Christ: our love for one another is a testament to God's love.

Week 6.  Worldview.  We learned that every person on the planet has a worldview, whether they know it or not.  It's influenced by our upbringing, our culture, and a plethora of other factors.  We looked into the basics of several different worldviews, and how we can interact with other worldviews and identify our own perspectives on the world.  It was nice to have our eyes opened to a better understanding of the diversity in the world.

This past week was Week 7: Bible.  I love the Bible.  I love learning the context behind stories and books, and I love that it comes alive when we read it.  This week, our speaker made it come alive even more- he showed us things like the way that the Old Testament connects to the New, who the pharaoh was during the Exodus, and even the purpose behind the book of Philemon. It was so fun.  The Bible is actually really intriguing, if we read it the right way.

Gosh, there's been so much happening these past few weeks. Our family here has been having a blast together, with everything from playing with sparklers on the beach and 30cent cones at McDonald's after Community nights to sunset walks on the break wall and being tourists around Sydney.

And might I say, Sydney is totally wonderful. We started our day of being tourists by going to the original Hills Church (Hillsong)!

The service was great, and the people were so friendly.  After that, we went to see the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge.  I mean, that's like a necessity as a tourist, right?

We spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the streets and vendors in the city.  I'd say it was an awesome day.

 I've said it before and I'll say it again and again: I'm so blessed to be here, and to be surrounded by such a fantastic team, living in this beautiful place, living a beautiful life, serving such a beautiful God.

It feels like home here.

We've officially been here a month, as of yesterday(well, for me, it's yesterday). It's a hard feeling to explain, because I feel like I've known these people in my YWAM family for such a long time, but then again, it hasn't even been five weeks.  And, at the same time, these past few weeks have flown by.  I can hardly believe that next week marks the halfway point of lecture phase.

The lectures we've been listening to have been incredible.  Week 3, the Father Heart Of God, was all about experiencing that father heart.  We encouraged one another and learned about God's love and His care for each of us, and that blended perfectly with Week 4, which was the Character and Nature of God.  It was so wonderful to be able to look at Scripture and lean into God more and more.

At the end of week 4, each person was handed a "puzzle piece", and we all wrote a word that God has been highlighting to us on an individual level about who He is.

God has sure been rocking our world through these speakers.  We've learned about God's plans for us, and how asking Jesus to be Lord of our lives is exactly that: giving him our lives, out dreams, our fears, our everything. Submitting to His will and knowing that He is good, regardless of any circumstance or struggle.  Because, the truth is, God cares for us, our families, our wellbeing, our purpose, than we ever could. So, it's actually logical to give Him control of it all, and it just fills us with a sense of peace and comfort once we do.  It was a fantastic process (a hard one, for sure, but it was wonderful and great).

Anywho.  There's been plenty of other cool things been going on here, too.

The beach is so fun.  Every Friday, the entire base goes to the beach for relaxation time for a few hours in the afternoon.  We set up a volleyball net and just about everyone participates in a laid-back tournament.  

Plus, it's finally warm enough to swim (the seasons are different here-- it's almost summer)!

The water is pretty warm and it's so crystal clear.  And, it's not even that warm out yet! It's supposed to get a lot warmer outside.  But for right now, it's been a pretty good mix of Seattle-esque weather days and days that are 25 degrees (I've been learning Celsius here.. that's around 80 degrees Farenheit).

Last weekend, we were blessed with the opportunity to go serve as volunteers at a Christian music festival called Black Stump!

When we weren't working, we got to go see different bands, hear speakers, and go to workshops.  It was a blast, and it gave us all a chance to hang out with each other in a different setting.

I think we're all just excited for what's around the corner, and for what is right here in front of us.  I'm blessed to be part of this YWAM family, living in this beautiful place, living a beautiful life, serving such a beautiful God.

Here's to this crazy new adventure.

About a week and a half ago, I hopped on a plane to fly across the Pacific Ocean and start this new adventure.

Since then, it's been crazy, and nerve-wracking, and weird, and incredible.

I don't think I've had a single moment of boredom since I got off the plane.  There's always things to do, or shops to visit, or books to read, or beaches to enjoy.  I can tell that I am exactly where I am supposed to be for this season of my life.

I feel like I should tell about where I am and what I've been doing.

First. My base is in New South Wales.  We're a 15-minute train from Wollongong and a 15-minute walk from some of the most beautiful beaches and ocean views I've ever seen.

 Second. This is not a town for night owls-- most shops seem to close at 4 or 5 in the afternoon! Plus, the sun sets at about 6pm, so any time after that feels like it's 1 in the morning.  Cars drive on the left side and pedestrians do not have the right-of-way (that change took some getting used to).
We're in a smaller town, and the main street is pretty fun.

We're in only our second week of lectures, talking about communicating with God. I can say, without a doubt, that even if I was to come home after only 11 days of being here, I would not be coming home the same.  They made sure to tell us, and remind us over and over again, that we are in a safe place.  That we're loved and cared for here, and this lecture phase is to cultivate a place of growth.  They've definitely succeeded at their goal.

I'm also blessed to be part of such a cool group of students in our DTS.  We all clicked really well together right off the bat, and everyone is so loving and caring and accepting.  Even though we've only been together for not even two weeks, we're talking, and praying together, and tossing a frisbee around, and reading books together, and really embracing this base's priority of being a family.

I'm excited for what the future holds and I'm so happy I'm here. This is a beautiful place, living a beautiful life, serving such a beautiful God.